TW: Unwanted sexual relationship
After meeting you that day, you left me in an anxious, blindsided state, for you have decided not to contact me for three long days. During those three days, I constantly checked my phone and anxiously waited for your messages. However, as much as I was stressed, I was able to think thoroughly. If you were the type of person, I would be ready to risk anything to be together. But I guess you being inconsistent and constantly having a jerk behaviour with polished words allowed me to see a glimpse of who you truly are. I kept denying it to myself, constantly trying to understand you and taking everything into consideration that maybe you were just tired or maybe you were trying to deal with some of your unhealed scars. However, it is not a sufficient reason for you to have an unreasonable behaviour towards anyone. The day finally came when you decided to contact me. I was surprised and sadly not expecting it anymore because my heart was so confused, and I didn’t know how to assess my feelings anymore. With a confused heart, I still decided to respond to your messages, yet deep inside, I was constantly hoping that we could work things out and figure out a solution because I was lost and confused. Without hesitation on that day, we were trying to figure out the status of our relationship, if we were a thing or not. I honestly wanted to test things out to see the possibility that could happen between us. However, things went down quickly because you wanted a casual relationship in a sense where you wanted something I couldn’t give to you. “Give head”, at first I didn’t know the meaning, and you refused to explain it to me. I had to toughen up to ask a friend. Honestly, I was shocked by the response. Still, I was even more surprised to know why you didn’t want a serious relationship because we didn’t belong in the same church, which is understandable for it is the same case for me, but you wanted a BJ, which is also a sexual act. I tried explaining to you the reason why I couldn’t do it, but you were so narrow-minded and being a prick that you just left me without giving me any clarification. The audacity to tell me I had a pure, beautiful heart, but you just threw away the chance to take care of it.
Love comes in different forms, but the most important one is SELF-LOVE. As it defines your capability to have respect and take care of yourself. Unfortunately, your leaving was a blessing in disguise. Continuous blessings came and portrayed me as the real colour of people. You leaving proves that my faith is bigger than lust. You leaving proves that not all people are worthy. You leaving showed your truest intention. You leaving proves I’m better without you. Affected or not, it has drained me and burned me out to the max, having no option of stopping or even taking a break. I’m striving hard and stitching up all the pieces with all the strength left in me with a strong heart.