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Vanier College Conspiracies: The Problem with Squirrels Campus 

Vanier College Conspiracies: The Problem with Squirrels

Today I will be discussing with you the enigma that is squirrels.


Now, before I make my point, I would like to make something abundantly clear. My codename is V. Not as in “V for Vendetta”. I am not part of some clandestine anarchist organization. If I were, I would be lying to you in order to control you in some way. But I am trying to prevent exactly that. There is nothing but the truth here, hence my name, V, as in “vérité”.


Squirrels are a creature of the rodent species. They exist pretty much everywhere, and are extremely territorial, to the point where they chase birds out of their nests. They even occasionally infiltrate a suburban house or two.


But have you ever stopped to think why they act in such a way?


You see, my friends, the problem with squirrels is that they seem to chase after other animals quite a lot, more specifically after animals of the bird’s species.


But why?


There are no other species of rodent like this. Raccoons? They simply eat your trash. Rats? Sewer dwellers. Mice? They hide in our walls. Rabbits, chinchillas, beavers and chipmunks don’t chase birds away. So, why do squirrels?


If you remember my last article, you may think that the squirrels know about the pigeons’ plans. But this is simply not the case.


The squirrels would then have to be a superior species of rodent, which they indeed are not. Their extremely territorial behavior clearly shows their ‘barbaric’ nature.


So, I’ve come to one simple conclusion. What is the only thing that is as smart and as powerful as aliens (or as some may call them pigeons)? That’s right, there is only one logical answer.


Squirrels are really… robots!


Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, “but V, I’ve seen roadkill before, and there isn’t any machinery.” And you’re absolutely right. But don’t forget, a robot doesn’t have to have nuts and bolts. All it takes is a microscopic chip. You can pretty much see where I’m going with this, but I’ll spell out for you anyways.


Squirrels are not your traditional Arnold Schwarzenegger, no. What happens is when regular squirrels are born into the world, a ‘micro-chip’ is implanted into their brains. But as I have said before, the ‘chip’ is imperfect. There is only so much that it can do. The rest relies on the underdeveloped senses of the squirrels, as well as their instinct. But you may ask, who could possibly have planted this micro-chip? Well, the micro-chip is not a micro-chip at all. It is none other than bacteria.


This is the only explanation possible. This bacterium has not yet been scientifically identified in nature, but I have found a sample. Unfortunately, I cannot show you a picture as it is invisible to the naked eye. Its purpose is to corrupt and plague. But the only way it can do that is by invading the brains of other living organisms.


Extensive scientific analysis shows that it is only compatible with the brain of a squirrel, but not without certain damage. This would explain their territorial and aggressive behavior. This bacterium plagues their minds to chase away all other animals from its territory. However, the squirrel is a fairly weak animal, limiting its choices to smaller species, i.e. birds and other squirrels.


So, there you have it! Squirrels are born infected with a bacterium that turns them into drones. It makes them infiltrate the dwellings of other species, humans included; Most of the time it is too weak to drive us out, so it is limited to chasing smaller species from their homes.


But there is still one thing that remains unclear: why are black squirrels more aggressive than other squirrels? This can be explained easily: the bacteria sometimes evolve to create a new, more aggressive strain that turns a squirrel’s fur black, and makes them fiercer.


Now you might think that squirrels are our friends, because they chase the imminent threat of the pigeon out of their homes. But remember what I said: pigeons are rampant, and have no need for homes, as they are superior. Thus, the bacteria have no clear purpose other than to infiltrate and to expel.


But don’t worry; they don’t pose much of a threat to mankind, assuming the bacteria doesn’t evolve further, which seems highly unlikely. But in the event that it does, squirrels just might be strong enough to stand up to humans and may even team up with the pigeons against us. And if that happens, there is no stopping them!


This concludes this week’s truth. I shall return next time with more truths for you, my friends, but if you do not hear from me, you know exactly what has happened and what is yet to come.


Written by: V



Photo by: Rupert Mackie (Title: Who Is Conscious)

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