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Vanier College Conspiracies: What’s the Deal with Pigeons? Campus 

Vanier College Conspiracies: What’s the Deal with Pigeons?

Ah, birds. Nature’s aerial animals. From the seagull to the hummingbird, our flying companions have roamed the Earth for a long time. In fact, some say that the chicken is a descendant of the T-Rex. Some birds, like the falcon, are incredibly rare in urban cities. But there is one bird that we see all the time. And that, my friends, is the pigeon.

What the heck is up with pigeons? They are probably the most common type of bird in urban countries. Now I know what you’re thinking, no duh, of course they are, right? But think about it real hard. Every other species of bird usually lives in one place. Seagulls? The beach. Eagles? The mountains. Falcons? The forests. But not pigeons.

Pigeons see everything. And yes, I did say everything. Because this week’s conspiracy is that pigeons are the superior race of birds, as they are smart and dangerous.

Now pigeons have plenty of predators and competitors in urban spaces, like squirrels and humans. Yet they always seem to thrive, gathering round in large numbers. And when they band together, it is not a pretty sight. They ask for food, leave droppings everywhere, only to come back to the same spot to ask for more. And the cycle continues. Were it not for the winter, they would be around all the time.

Now, do you know why they come back? Because they know true north. Pigeons have magnetic crystals in their beaks that let them know where north is. Don’t you think it would be odd for a bird to have a magnet in its mouth? Exactly. It is weird. Unless they were programmed that way!

These birds are the real deal. But this is just the beginning, my friends.

Picture this. A man is being followed. Why is this man being tailed? Does he know something we do not? Are the pigeons monitoring him because they are stupid or is there more to it than meets the eye? Surely there must be.

Let’s examine the facts: pigeons are the only birds that are known to thrive in urban cities, they exist in large numbers, and they have magnetic crystals in their beaks that allow them to figure out exactly where they’re going. This means that they are smarter than the average bird. Think about it. What else thrives in numbers, has magnetic powers and is smarter than the average being?

That’s right. Aliens!

Aliens always come in large numbers during their assaults. Their spaceships have magnetic powers that not only grant them directional awareness, but they’ve got tractor beams too. They are also portrayed to be much smarter than we are.

Do you not see it? Pigeons are aliens; but not in the way we think of them.

We believe aliens are supposed to come from outer space. So why are pigeons here on Earth? The reason for that is they have been created to outlive humans. Their directional awareness will allow them to move to less warm places once climate change worsens. And we all know that animals adapt, right?

Well, what if pigeons gain the ability to tap into an ancestral DNA, in order to keep them cold in the warm ember of a ravaged world? Pigeons are not only aliens on Earth: they are living, walking, dinosaurs!

The world will eventually burn to nothing, and animals will outlive humans. Pigeons will be one such species! These alien-like birds will learn to tap into their ancestral dinosaur DNA, and the “circle of life”, as they say, will continue once more. Dinosaurs will once again roam the Earth, and we humans will cease to exist before we know it. So, the next time you see a pigeon, know that you are witnessing the most powerful animal on Earth.

This is all merely speculation, but who knows? Maybe pigeons will become aware of their hidden talent earlier on.

Maybe when the lizard people and the reborn ancient aliens destroy humanity over who will conquer Earth, that’s when the pigeons will come up from behind and destroy the winner of the war. But that’s a completely different story.

Now that you know the truth, make sure nobody else finds out, or else! I shall return with more evidence on other truths. There is much for you to learn, my friends. You’ll be hearing from me next time. Hopefully. If not, you know what has happened and what is yet to come.

You might be wondering my name. And that I shall never give. But you can call me “V”.


*The information related in this article is fictitious, for entertainment and comedic purposes. Any similarity to real events is merely coincidental.


Written by: V

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